Hello..!

This is such an odd thing to write. I know no one really looks here except myself, so I feel safe here..! My own little corner.

I'm really not used to being open with anyone [even my beloved beau or myself!!] So I'll think of this as a "breaking the barrier" thing. I can just yap and ramble about stuff no one else really bothers to listen to and maybe I'll feel so nice and clean after!

I think the simplest way to put this is that I feel jealous. All the time. And it's not even over normal things a person could be jealous over! It's really not a big deal, but everytime I notice I'm jealous I start to feel all sick and stuff,,, like things I'm not allowed to feel. I'm not jealous over a specific person... I really don't think I've ever been that way, Like... my whole purpose [In my opinion] is to be there for Beau whenever he needs it and to be nice and happy... because well,,, helping Beau makes me happy!!

And this is full honesty: I really can't think much about myself--it's like there's a teeny tiny barrier that keeps me from knowing about myself or how I feel, and I can't even think of where it came from? I base myself off of other people [namely the ones closest to me] and the second I think they're not interested I just go on a... streak of self loathing?

This is so odd to even write about because I really don't like speaking about myself in such ways, but there's really nothing I can do. Like... am I supposed to get a cookie for a base understanding of myself? What, applause for me because I finally noticed I'm just jealous of everything in ways i don't even understand yet? And I don't hate myself, I think I'm pretty rad! But how does that really matter when I don't even know anything about myself? It's like an itch I want to poke and prod at until it blisters and does all this nasty stuff just so I can try to see what the hell's going on in there.

[And if beau sees this hii i love you and im really sorry ive bugged you so much.. <3]

This isn't like, some huge manifesto where I reveal I'm going to kill myself at the end. I really don't have the time or energy to do that, and I'd just feel guilty. or something

I've just never really felt negative before. I'm always appreciating the little things, I cry when characters get their happy end and I just love being happy. I'm not used to this,,, it's kind of scary, I guess? I really don't think I have much of anyone to yap to this about without sounding looney. I think I'm not used to feeling so upset because my brain blocks it out? I get I'm sensitive, I cry a lot and I do get bouts of upset easily but it always passes in like... an hour. If it's longer than that I don't think I ever remember it.

But I know it's bad because I started feeling guilty talking to anyone... that's like... a big secret. I really feel guilty talking to ONE person, and it's not his fault, it could never be! But it's such a specific feeling that I really can't handle, and it makes me feel even worse the more I feel it.

This is a huge pile of nothing, I know that!! but it feels nice to just yap about stuff where I can look back at it all pink and pretty, maybe see how much I've grown? I really doubt I'll grow that much, really. Maybe I'm upset that I relapsed like 3 days ago, I really can't think